i think i've just made one of the stupidest mistake in the whole wide world.

crying in front of the enemy.

even though i repeatedly prepared myself for any future outbursts, the tears just started flowing.

disclaimer: i am in NO WAY, trying to gain the fucking pity of anyone out there. this is my journal, i have the freaking rights to say what i want. get it?!


least people say i'm just trying to rally support, just trying to get people to sympathise me.

HELLO, one of the things i hate most in the world is for others to pity ME.


seriously, i can't take this anymore.

living with someone you hate from the depths of your heart is torture enough.

and my mum and grandmother even wants me to 'appease' that fucking arsehole.
they keep telling me that oh, "because she had a high fever when she was young, her brain sockets got all haywired and then she can't think properly, so yeah you must be understanding okay, if not popo and especially me will be put in a fix. 心胸要宽一点，懂吗？？“



and from then on, i've tried.
tried to avoid that freaking arsehole.
went to the library during the O's period to get some peace and quiet.
tried repeatedly to ask my friends to go out with me whenever we are free to avoid being in the same house as that bitch.
locked myself in my room whenever i go home,and to go out only to refill my water bottle or eat meals just so that i wouldn't see, wouldn't hear, wouldn't even smell (i'm not fucking kidding, that freak smells like a pig sty) that fucking bitch.
from secondary school onwards, after one of that stupid outbursts, i've decided to be kind to my mum and popo and not give them any trouble.
and from then on, i've suppressed my feelings.
i stopped talking back.
i've stopped trying to scorn that freak because that thing really deserves it.
this is so cheesy, but i've cried silently in the night so no one hears it.
so no one knows.

just because.



and then what?



that thing thinks just because i don't say anything
just because i no longer do anything

SO SHE CAN JUST TRAMPLE AROUND ME LIKE I'M A SMALL BUG?


she may think it's just a small thing, ohhhhh lend printer also cannot meh?!
FUCK THAT.

for how many years have you freaking taken OUR things and claimed it as yours.
for how many years have you talked bad about me and my family because you buay song
for how many years have you repeatedly trampled me mentally, saying what "study some more lah! *pft* let's see when you study till you siao"


WHAT NOW YOU THINK I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE AH.


maybe i am.


i really don't know.




in my fucking dreams, you even appear and try to destroy it.
CAN'T YOU STOP INVADING MY FUCKING PRIVACY?!?

you know how i hate it when you fucking waltz in my room just to use the toilet WHEN YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT AND THERE'S A STUPID TOILET IN THE KITCHEN.
and then what?

you try to invade every part of my life, you blast music and think "huh! that old freak upstairs blast so i blast even louder! see who wins!!"
and you fucking know i'm studying, HUH!


i KNOW what you say about my mum and how you think about my family.
you think we're pathetic, right?!

oh yeah right, i'm living off at popo's house, along with my mum my sis and my bro.
OH, my dad id a pathetic ass because he doesn't even call regularly, doesn't do what a man should, please lorh i haven't seen him since last chinese new year already

SO WHAT.

you think i don't think about these things.

you make fun of my life.
not directly, BUT I KNOW IT,




i will never ever forget how you snickered at me when i just tried to scream and reason at you
NEVER EVER.

you think i'm just some mentally unstable,ugly pimply little pompous kid right?

HELLO,PLEASE LORH.
have you ever heard of a dermatologist??
i can visit one when i've saved enough, and c'mon, isn't my condition loads better than when i first had acne?

AND LOOK AT YOU.
ugliness can never be cured, i'm so sorry to tell you the truth.
take a cloooooooooose look in the mirror.
oh, plastic surgery?
FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY POPO FOR YOUR LIVING FARE HERE.


and you try to complain to popo and let the whole world know with your oh-so-fucking loud voice.
like, please lah your work woes you want the whole world to know?
practically SCREAMING and i can even fucking hear even when i close the door.

so what?!
you're bullied at work, so in turn you bully your family members instead?!

oh i'm so sorry i forgot i didn't even consider that freak as my aunt anymore, sorry i didn't say that in the disclaimer above.




JUST EAT SHIT AND DIE.








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the one thing i'm most disappointed with my mother is
she always appeases
and i've somehow become like her. i hate that.
she always tells me someday, someday.
when will that "someday" come?
all the promises are broken, from young till now.

i know she has it hard, i'm trying my best to do my best already.
for god's sake, this is so lame but i even try to prevent myself from getting sick so that i can don't make her worry. ugh.


all the false promises.
all the false hopes.


now i already know, i'm not clinging to any already.

once she even told me she could divorce my dad just to get an apartment of our own.
maybe i should have agreed right there and then.
at that time, i just thought that i didn't want my family to be more broken than it is now.
i'm not even close to my sister, whom most people might think i might be.
at home, i'm constantly in my own world, constantly shutting myself away from them because i don't want to mix.
because i've been taught, again and again, to keep my opinions to myself.

maybe that's one of the reasons i've been so afraid to do so many things. even answering questions in class because it's in front of everyone.
i don't know.



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and then.
i've learnt to stop myself from crying
and when i realised there's no one there to wipe my tears
i wipe it myself and (again this is lame but this is true) i tell myself
i encourage myself
i scold myself not to be so weak
but *laughs* sometimes i just am so weak, even though i may appear to be strong to others.
in reality, once that wall crumbles,
i break down.

i constantly tell myself, one day, i will make it and i will let that freak have a taste of everything i've suffered throughout all my childhood.
yeah, if you're still confused it's verbal abuse.
Domyoji is wrong, language is only a way you speak, true,
but it can also determine what you tell others and what others hear.
words are like a double-edged sword.
one side is blunt.
and the other sharp.
once you cross the line and flip it to the other side.
the one that bleeds is not you who wield the sword.


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i know my outburst has been stupid.
i've always been afraid, but i really wanna ask my mum when we're moving out.
i'm scared of getting depression, i DON'T want to. because i still have my dreams, i still want to have a normal life, i still want to fall in love and meet a great man i can call my husband, i still want to carve my own career as a journalist, i still wanna have children and give them a normal happy childhood.




and now i know,
no one will come to wipe my tears, i know that.

i only have myself to protect myself, i know i must be strong.
and only by being strong can i protect my mum, too.







going to keep this post public because, again, this is my fucking journal and i have the right to say what i want. not like i violated any laws, right?!? and not like i want to gain sympathy from anyone, i say again: I FUCKING HATE ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PITY ME.

this is just a post to vent my frustrations, if you read this far, sorry no prize, all i can say is kudos, man you did great reading all my crap.




and from now on i'm gonna pick myself up.